I’ll start.
We had great chemistry but different goals. She was religious and looking to marry and thought she could change me, a non-religious person who intends to remain unmarried and childless. I was up front about the lack of religion and the lack of desire for marriage. She was not up front about her intent to change me.
After two months of regular flings she told me we couldn’t see each other anymore, because she wanted someone to go to church with, it was my fault she was living a sinful life (totally), and she was cheating on me with another dude was a Christian.
We were together 13 years. We both grew as people but not together. I did a lot of therapy and finding myself. He kept pushing everything down and refusing to experience his feelings. We were never bad to each other we just kinda… Became roommates over time. We basically stopped being intimate both physically and emotionally.
One day we sat down, talked about where we’ve been, what we both want, what our ideal future is, and realized we were going in different directions. We decided to get divorced. We lived together for another year and a half after that because we own the house together.
I moved out a few months ago. We still talk every day, share pictures of the animals that we each kept, we’re good friends. We just didn’t open up to each other the last few years. He’s done therapy and started some self exploration since we decided to divorce. He seems much happier. We’re both dating other people and we’re both genuinely happy for each other.
May have lost a husband but, I definitely did not lose a friend. This was literally the best divorce you could ask for. I hope the best for him.
I’m in an eerily similar situation. Married 14 years, getting a divorce soon after she decided she was no longer attracted to me after about a year of her trying and internalizing her feelings.
I’m hoping I can have a friendship with her, but this all happened a month ago so it’s too fresh to tell if that can happen
Oof jeez I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and this sounds like such a familiar story. We’ve talked about splitting up but are giving couples therapy a chance for now. I really can’t see it going anywhere if he doesn’t choose to help himself though. I am too tired and feel like I am enabling more than anything.
Glad to hear it worked out okay for you. Hope you’re well.
I’m actually doing great now. That was kind of my catalyst too. He wasn’t doing anything for himself. Thankfully he’s done a lot since I let and I’m very proud of him. Good luck. You deserve to be happy.
We were together for 4 years. At the start i was nihilist and she was christian but respected each others views. Then we broke up coz satan made a guy gay.
Then in the last year of our relationship she suddenly wanted to me to go to church and listen to this guy talk about finding god. I thought fuck it, ill entertain the idea, whatever.
This guy (who was obviously gay) was talking about how satan made him gay and that turning to god made him straight. All i could see was pain in his eyes and hear the lack of conviction in his words. He brought his family out and everyone looked miserable. I felt terrible and cringey hearing this guy trying to convince everyone and himself that he wasnt gay and had found happiness.
My partners dad afterwards in the carpark was banging on about how the world would be better if gay people realised they werent gay but had a mental condition brought on by satan and i lost it and told her family to fuck emselves.
The guy ended up killing himself a few years later so I guess finding god didnt actually workout. Such a fucking shame cunts cant be themselves without other cunts judging em
The guy ended up killing himself a few years later so I guess finding god didnt actually workout. Such a fucking shame cunts cant be themselves without other cunts judging em
100%
This is why I’m always upfront about not being religious and not wanting marriage, because those two things are so contrary to the culture most of us were raised in that they are really difficult for people to absorb and understand.
My first marriage, because she has an undiagnosed mental illness and leaves a trail of destruction everywhere she goes.
When I was a young man, I was afraid of being alone. I learned that being with someone who makes you wish you were alone is far worse than being alone. Thankfully that was a long time ago and my life is much better.
I learned that being with someone who makes you wish you were alone is far worse than being alone.
Amen to this. It’s a really important piece of wisdom.
Glad you’re doing better!
BPD?
Textbook.
Thank you for a well-timed reminder. That was my example of “never stick your dick in crazy” but I somehow never got over it.
While things are much less stressful since I’ve got divorced (from someone else) it can be a bit lonely and my mind keeps going back to the one that I was too afraid to touch. The absolutely toxic one with BPD I knew in college and could never stop thinking of )no, I did not care while I was married to someone sane). I most certainly do not need that in my life.
Glad to hear it.
I can’t call it a failure. Fun was had. Goals diverged. We split quite amicably and remain in occasional contact. 10/10, would break up with them again.
She had deep childhood trauma that made it difficult for her to imagine being a good person in a healthy relationship. Anyways she physically abused me when one of the guys she was cheating on me met me and felt guilty enough to break it off.
Pretty simple. Our relationship started when we were in our early 20’s. Over the course of the ~10 years we were together we became different people. By the time we were in our 30’s, what she wanted in a partner changed and I was no longer what she wanted. Figuring it all out hurt and sucked… but I’m in a good place these days and consider it an important learning experience in my past.
“Till death do us part” made a lot more sense when most people never made it to 65.
Nowadays, with the over-100 bracket being the fastest growing demographic (albeit from a very small base), the whole idea of monogamy starting in one’s 20s becomes less and less aligned with psychological and social reality.
She was beautiful and smart. We loved each other. But she had no aspirations outside of having kids. More importantly, it was always her first. Like if there was a good and a bad pillow, she always took the good pillow. This with everything. I of course offered it to her, but I feel like that should be reciprocal. There were other things, but this is what sticks out to me.
Thr relationship came to a natural end (she had to leave the country) and I decided this wouldn’t work out. This was almost two decades ago, and I am happily married to the girl I met next.
I was gullible.
Met online, thought we hit it off, I was over at his place every chance I could to cuddle and watch movies together. After a few months they broke up with me via text on Christmas, saying they didn’t actually mean any of the things they said and that they didn’t feel right continuing.
That was my first and last “real” relationship, and I’ve largely given up on dating this past year or so. It’s getting more dangerous to be openly gay in the US (I have no illusions about what happens after they run out of trans people and immigrants to scapegoat), and I’ve been learning more and more that I simply don’t mesh well with others, so I suppose it’s for the better.
I broke up with my ex because I felt like she would always structure her life so that her job and other things she felt like she had a duty to do took up most of her time and she didn’t have much left for me. But it looks like I made a mistake, because almost two years later I still don’t want to try dating anyone else. She doesn’t want me back. Whoops.
(I think that if she had been the one who broke up with me, I would have tried to move on, but because I broke up with her, changed my mind, and then got turned down, something in my brain is stuck somehow. It seems like I’ve bricked my love life.)
He died, which really put a damper on the whole thing.
Men just really don’t put in the effort anymore
I’m kind of going through it right now, but I’m not sure.
I’ve been talking to this girl for a while, but we’ve been keeping things low-key.
The other day, work was crazy, I was tired, and I forgot to text her
She never texted me.
So I let it go another day, and she never texted me.
Now it’s today, and she still hasn’t texted me, which makes me feel like I was doing all the heavy lifting keeping the communication going.
We’re still relatively new in the relationship. I don’t feel like it’s a very high bar to expect that she would put effort in.
So I guess I’m deciding that if she doesn’t text me today then I’ll text her in the morning and say I hope she has a good one and move on.
This is not a great take. Someone often does the heavy lifting in conversations and not texting doesn’t mean not caring for a lot of people.
Something about the way that you have phrased your response is off-putting to me.
If you told me this in person, I would be angry at you.
It’s not like I’m trying to end a marriage or something. I’ve been talking to her for a few weeks. If cracks are forming this early, then it’s right for me to have my hackles up.
Yeah I can see why. My response wasn’t intended as directly as it is written and it is difficult to put into a short statement but let me try:
I see it often that a complete non-topic for one person is mis-interpreted as a lack of interest by another. Maybe some communication is missing.
My partner is very poor with texting/calling back. IN the beginning I used to interpret it, maybe as you have here, as a lack of interest. So, we spoke about it and it was made clear to me that this person just does not like using their phone as a main means of communication, and the interest was in-fact there.
Had that recently too. Was seeing this beautiful woman, and after our second date, we went from texting everyday, a lot, to her not texting me for 2 straight days, while I was texting her. It just felt off. I saw a random article about “breadcrumbing” where people, like, give just a little bit of themselves to keep you interested, while actually chasing someone they like better. They keep you on the bench as a backup to the person they actually want. I saw it as the universe giving me a sign. Told her “I dunno what changed, but I can take a hint. Good luck out there.”
Last time I was in a “relationship” with someone we talked for a few months, he ghosted me, then I found out years later he was a pedophile fantasizing some weird shit about me. Worst part is he’s now infamous and is widely joked about in one specific community for a thing I’m into so I have to hear about him all the time. My stepdad had the balls to bring up the whole thing during dinner once and holy shit that was uncomfortable.
Still haven’t recovered from that.
Must be cool to be a Christian. Just do shitty things, then ask forgiveness and it’s all good. You always get it.
I was at a listless, lonely, and sad point in my life when a friend made a pass at me and, appreciating the attention, I went with it. The relationship went toxic and explorative, and I ended up being abused for years. The abusive relationship ended not because I heroically gathered my wits and strength enough to get out, but because she eventually got bored with me and kicked me out.
Thankfully, it’s long in the past now. After that I took some time away from dating and relationships to work on myself, and with the help of friends and family I slowly pieced my heart and my life back together.
When I felt ready to begin dating again I put myself back out there, and I met someone truly amazing. We’re in a very happy and healthy marriage in which we trust and appreciate each other, and nobody is being treated like crap.
I wasn’t allowed to have any feelings other than happy. I wasn’t allowed to negotiate within the relationship, I had to take what he was offering or I was “blackmailing” him. He treated me like an extension of himself and if I didn’t do and act exactly how he wanted I’d get iced out.
