I’m old. I have an enlarged prostate, or at least I think I do, I need to have it diagnosed.

So, I tell the doctor and she says she’ll order a test (does not involve probing, I was happy to find. I’ve had that before, both in the doctor’s office and otherwise. Not a fan.)

She orders a slew of blood tests and a urine test.

I go to the lab, they draw my blood and I pee in a cup.

Two days later the test results of all the tests are posted on the website. But, there’s no prostate test result. I search for what the test involves. I find that the PSA test can be ran on blood, urine, or semen.

I message the doctor, she says, “Hmm. I don’t know why the lab didn’t collect that specimen. The order is in, you need to go back.”

So, of course, all night I’m thinking “collecting the specimen” means I’m going to need to masturbate into a cup at the office. Also, not my kink, not at all. And, not that easy at my age, it takes some effort.

Fortunately, it was a blood draw. I was much happier having a needle stuck in my arm.