I’m a diagnosed sociopath. It’s one of my deepest secrets since the condition has been so demonized and I’m terrified people will just treat me like a monster despite all the effort I’ve put in to try to live a normal life.
The fact that violence actually solves a lot of issues but results in punishments.
I don’t generally care about hurting people especially if they hurt me. But consequences are real and you have to deal with them regardless.
The amount of times I’ve had to remove myself from certain situations purely because I was about to commit extreme violence is vast.
I don’t want to hurt anyone but in the moment I want them dead in the worst way and I know I could do it. I can see every way I could make it happen and in the moment I want to do it.
Took a long time to realize I was the problem. Tried to kill myself at one point cause it felt like the whole world was against me. Ended up in a psych ward where I was diagnosed. Autism, adhd, aspd (antisocial personality disorder [sociopathy/psychopathy]).
So I devoted myself to just trying to be better. I try to help people as best as I can and developed my mantra as corny as it sounds. “Just don’t make the situation worse. I don’t have to make it better just don’t make it worse”
I still wrestle with it all and long term complex relationships are almost impossible which leads to loneliness and guilt but I’m very stubborn so I keep pushing forward regardless.
Honestly it all just feels torturous but here I am.
It’s the difference between feeling like doing it and having to fight every fiber of your being to stop yourself from doing it.
In the moment it’s a pure instinctual reaction that you have to consciously ignore. Like touching a burning stove but not removing your hand. It goes against every instinct. Every rationality.
It’s like everything in you wants to harm someone despite knowing it’s morally wrong. It’s a constant battle between instinct and conscious morality.
I WANT to hurt people. I CHOOSE not to. Because I understand my feelings are wrong. But the feelings are still there
I didn’t take it as undermining. It’s a complicated thing to understand (took me years) so questions are understandable.
It was a psychiatric therapist at a mental hospital. We talked everyday for weeks with her asking me all kinds of questions and asking me to act out scenarios to assess my mental state.
She said it was obviously clear I had extreme issues with authority and rules (if the rule doesn’t make sense or isn’t fully explained I simply won’t follow it and sometimes will go out of my way to make a show of ignoring/breaking the rule) and that I have violent tendencies (that was obvious at that point I just didn’t know why).
I’m a diagnosed sociopath. It’s one of my deepest secrets since the condition has been so demonized and I’m terrified people will just treat me like a monster despite all the effort I’ve put in to try to live a normal life.
What are your struggles?
The fact that violence actually solves a lot of issues but results in punishments.
I don’t generally care about hurting people especially if they hurt me. But consequences are real and you have to deal with them regardless.
The amount of times I’ve had to remove myself from certain situations purely because I was about to commit extreme violence is vast.
I don’t want to hurt anyone but in the moment I want them dead in the worst way and I know I could do it. I can see every way I could make it happen and in the moment I want to do it.
What was your process of understanding and dealing with these strong emotions?
Took a long time to realize I was the problem. Tried to kill myself at one point cause it felt like the whole world was against me. Ended up in a psych ward where I was diagnosed. Autism, adhd, aspd (antisocial personality disorder [sociopathy/psychopathy]).
So I devoted myself to just trying to be better. I try to help people as best as I can and developed my mantra as corny as it sounds. “Just don’t make the situation worse. I don’t have to make it better just don’t make it worse”
I still wrestle with it all and long term complex relationships are almost impossible which leads to loneliness and guilt but I’m very stubborn so I keep pushing forward regardless.
Honestly it all just feels torturous but here I am.
Damn, to be honest that just seems like quite normal reactions to me…
It’s the difference between feeling like doing it and having to fight every fiber of your being to stop yourself from doing it.
In the moment it’s a pure instinctual reaction that you have to consciously ignore. Like touching a burning stove but not removing your hand. It goes against every instinct. Every rationality.
It’s like everything in you wants to harm someone despite knowing it’s morally wrong. It’s a constant battle between instinct and conscious morality.
I WANT to hurt people. I CHOOSE not to. Because I understand my feelings are wrong. But the feelings are still there
I’m sorry, I didn’t meant to undermine your experience.
I just can relate to a scary degree. Especially the “I don’t do it because of the consequences, but I really want to do it”
What kind of doctor did you went to?
I didn’t take it as undermining. It’s a complicated thing to understand (took me years) so questions are understandable.
It was a psychiatric therapist at a mental hospital. We talked everyday for weeks with her asking me all kinds of questions and asking me to act out scenarios to assess my mental state.
She said it was obviously clear I had extreme issues with authority and rules (if the rule doesn’t make sense or isn’t fully explained I simply won’t follow it and sometimes will go out of my way to make a show of ignoring/breaking the rule) and that I have violent tendencies (that was obvious at that point I just didn’t know why).