My mother’s love.

I think it might be conditional…

My inner child refuses to believe such a harsh truth… but they said a lot of ableist shit and inheritance is conditional on whether or not I can act “normal”.

So yea… that childhood memory of my loving mother, all the times I cuddles with her as a kid… I feel like my world is shattered

but emotions are a very weird thing…

I feel… like… very emotionally attached…

idk why…

logically I shouldn’t feel too much about these ableists… but deep inside I still crave for affection…

because like…

the idea of your birth mother rejecting you after all this time of being together…

it feels so fucked up…

Its not just about the money, it just feels so… rejected…

Like she’s in my mind forever tormetting me…

Like she frequenly jokes like: “Hey I kinda wanna sell everything and just spend it all on out retirement and leave y’all with nothing since y’all [me and my older brother] never listens to us”

I mean… sure she has the legal right to do that…

but still…

after all we’ve been through?

after how much I helped out with their stuff?

really?

this is how you treat your son that loves you?

that is so emotionally obsessed and attached to you?

after you’ve been smothering me, never allowing me to grow, never allowing me to learn independence, intentionally making me so used to being dependent on you?

mom, what the fuck did you do to my brain?

it hurts so much

I’m so confused.

(sorry if it kinda felt a bit rant-like)