I learned that my last therapist would rather talk at me and give me all the textbook talk and exercises rather than allow me to talk and tailor the therapy to my needs.

The therapist before that was alright and from him I learned I disassociated from a lot of childhood due to relatives dying (my sister, great grandparents, uncles, my dad), my dad leaving, moving to another country and eventually dying. I never cried as a child and only started expressing proper emotion after my daughter was born. I’ve also been cheated on in every major relationship I’ve had. My daughter’s mother left me after cheating on me, I had to move out and not see my daughter daily,fell into a severe pit of depression after feeling I’d lost everything. I truly believe I’m the issue in every relationship, friend or otherwise, that I have. I talk with people, they seem nice and we get along then boom, ghosted. Every. Single. Time. I don’t have anyone around me that really puts in the effort to reach out and make the effort to connect with me.

To be honest I feel like my problems don’t seem nearly as bad as others which makes me feel like a fraud.

I may have went off track a tad here and my message feels severely fragmented. I’m sorry I’ll see myself out

Not engaging with my narcboomerdad as a teen was the best defense I could have utilized and that I am actually sane.

And to everyone who shared, thanks for sharing.

I’m actually a sane, nice person. I’m unhappy because I am dealing with people who aren’t.

That literally never occurred to me. I thought I was the problem.

There isn’t really anything I can do about my depression. It will be lifelong and a constant struggle to work against. Some people’s baseline is just low.

That my family was crazy. I grew up in a crazy dynamic, looking back now, was like living in a strict dictatorship like North Korea, so I never questioned them.

That I don’t have to believe every nonsense my brain comes up with

That when breathing funny is a ptsd trigger, breathing exercises and meditation is a bad idea. Reciting memorized poetry helps more— the Raven did me wonders, Jabberwocky too.

Sorry it isn’t the kind of more generalized advice that applies to more people, but you asked what I discovered about myself, personally. You probably don’t have a ptsd trigger when focusing on your breathing— that probably helps you relax.

Wait, you people actually discover things at therapy? All I discovered, was what I already knew, but the therapist phrased it more eloquently, and confirmed it.

Not advice I could put into practice, and she said more than I could absorb…

That I feel immense guilt about any time spent not being productive in some way and believed (wrongly) that you can always just plan and to-do list your way out of feeling crappy. I basically learned to forgive myself for needing time to recover from stuff.

That I have severe OCD - like off the charts. Lately it’s been replaying the Charlie Kirk murder video in my head that I accidentally saw at 2:00am in a surprise intrusive image attack. So that’s fun. Other things include checking and rechecking everything I fucking do until I’m exhausted, among many other things.

I don’t have a fear of change, but a fear of letting people I care about down.

And insane amounts of anxiety.

That I wasn’t Zen about endings, I was just never allowing anyone close.

Being neurodiverse and scoring well on standardized/IQ testing doesn’t excuse being an utter menace.

That the thing I’ve been after my entire life but couldn’t identify or articulate was, in fact, autonomy.

This, after growing up in a house full of overbearing, hypercritical family members, willingly entering into a marriage with someone who treated me like property, being micromanaged, and taught that the key to happiness lies in pleasing others, and living in quiet desperation and letting it build and build until I finally imploded and ended up institutionalized.

In the process of rebuilding my life I made a few mistakes, namely going back to a few of those relationships and trying to make new relationships fit that mold. At least this time I had a little self awareness though. I decided to end all of those relationships and start living on my own terms. And that was when the epiphany hit that this was the autonomy I’ve been craving - and had been denied - my whole life.

I’m way happier now.

That I have ADHD. Turns out depression and panic attacks were only side effects.