Sorry for a challenging and maybe weird question.
It is something my parents engaged in a lot while I was growing up (presumably unknowingly), and it’s also a recurring point of discussion online, wherever I go.
On the internet, most people seem to regard it as very traumatic, though my own experience of it wasn’t. It was more just something that happened, and most of the time I’d be sleeping through it anyway. I also feel that any potential trauma here is mitigated by raising your child with a generally healthy knowledge of sexuality.
A common comment on the topic is that people can “just do it quietly,” but I’m inclined to think that some people do need to react very loudly to sexual stimulation.
Interested to hear what everyone else’s experiences, or views on the matter, are. EDIT: If the question interests you, here’s a guardian advice column post with extensive comments on the matter: “I can’t climax quietly and I’m worried my teenage kids will hear me.”
I want to break this question into a few parts:
- Is it wrong for people to have sex so loud that their neighbors/roommates can hear?
- Is it especially harmful for children to hear their parents having sex?
- Are some types of sex sounds more harmful for children to hear than others?
For 1, I’d say it’s polite to keep it down a bit for other people’s sake. Especially because sex can be a bit… repetitive, it gets annoying fast. Don’t bonk the walls. Fix your creaky bed. Muffle your screams.
I don’t think it’s harmful for children to hear sex, if you’ve explained to them that it’s nothing to worry about. Don’t try to hide it or look guilty or ashamed either, let the kids know it’s good and healthy. Apologize for the noise though, see point 1.
If you sound like you’re being murdered and the door is locked, that could freak out a kid. Make sure the house is empty before you do loud CNC play or whatever you’re into.
My parents would just turn the music up, but the problem was after a while we learned exactly what it meant every time they played Enter Sandman loud. Mum would tell us she was just vocalizing - yeah I guess that’s the word.
It got to be the song of fucking in that house and after a while they knew that we knew. So they changed it up and started playing Pantera instead. Fucking Gen X strikes again.
Everybody starts as a cream pie anyway and kids are going to hear something at some point, not sure how much it matters.
Your parents have good fuck music.
I don’t worry about it that much, but do try to be somewhat, I wouldn’t call it discreet, but would lock the door, and always taught the kids to knock if the door is closed - I don’t care if they know what we are doing but certainly don’t want them walking in unexpectedly and strong preference that they not hear us much.
They are grown now, not traumatized and pretty open with me so it seems to have worked out.
I think my position when they were younger can be summed up as: sex is normal, it is for adults, stay away lest ye see something you really don’t want to.
TLDR: Having loud sex your kids can hear on purpose or doing it not caring if the kids can hear it, is inherently wrong IMHO.
My family was kinda open to nudity in the inner circle or at least we didn’t saw it as something “shameful” or “bad”. We were from the coast and we used to spend a lot of time at the beach, so we were used to be around each other in bathing suits or underwear. My parents were also that kind of couple where my dad used to constantly slap my mom’s ass even in front of us (as kids or even as adults). He used to kiss my mom deeply and passionately in front of us and from time to time even grab a boob playfully and doing sounds (yeah, my dad was that kind of weird dude you meet at a bar and is telling to everybody the grossest and unfunny-est jokes you’ve ever heard). So, my sister and I grew up seeing slightly “dirty” behaviours as something natural (maybe as something “lame” adults do) or, at least, something you don’t mind that much.
That being said, my parents always were careful to not have loud sex around us and we only noticed they had sex when we were like 12 and 14. Mi bedroom and also my sister’s bedroom where not contiguous to my parent’s bedroom and we had a brick house, so we were somewhat shielded against noises from my parent’s bedroom. One time, my sister’s bedroom was being remodelled so she had to move to a spare room next to my parents’ bedroom. She heard them having sex and she totally knew what they were doing. She told me the next morning and we weren’t shocked nor traumatized, just found it “funny and gross” and we laughed at the idea while she was telling me.
Now, for the traumatizing part, I had a friend at middle school wich I once had a sleep-over with. Just the two of us playing videogames at his house. Everything was normal up until like 10:00 PM when his parents went to “sleep” and as soon as we heard the door of her parents’ bedroom closing, my friend’s demeanor changed and he went somber. Then, after like 12-15 minutes we started hearing his mom moaning and the bed creaking and moving. We both stayed silent for a momment and then he put something on the tv and amped up the volume, but he looked pissed, grossed and ashamed. I tried to change subjects but obviously he wasn’t having a good time. I can’t tell if that affected him as an adult as I haven’t seen him since we graduated middle school, but at least at that momment I can tell he was having trouble with it.
So, I guess it depends in the way you do it. If it’s by mistake I can’t blame them. If it’s on purpose or without care, I think I see it as something wrong. And I think it affects the kids, not only on the long rub but in the immediate momment.
Yeah, but a sleepover though? He could have accepted it as normal parent behaviour, but that doesn’t mean you want your friends to hear it.
I imagine his parents didn’t had rough and loudsex daily. He invited me to stay thinking it won’t happen but it did. And, yes, I get your point. His parents didn’t really cared that his son was having a sleepover. I give the parents a chance because MAYBE they weren’t aware that his son could hear them… MAYBE
I’m… Sort of of two minds about it? It’s not a scenario I’ve specifically put thought towards.
On one hand, I do feel like the way we treat sex/nudity as inherently, and uniquely, traumatic isn’t exactly… Great, in a lot of ways. Like. I walked in on my uncle watching porn once when I was 5 or 6, and it wasn’t a traumatic experience. I only remember it because of how the adults around me reacted when I said something.
On the other hand, if the kids are young enough, they won’t have a clue what’s going on in the other room from noise alone. As they hit their teenage years they 100% will, and they will put two and two together about the past noises they heard.
On the other other hand, an adult in a room mate situation can put a restriction on sex while they’re home, specifically because they can know when that’s happening. The kid can’t, specifically because they don’t know.
There’s also the consideration of “This is a minor” that I haven’t even touched on. Ethics aside, there could be legal ramifications.
Idk my gut feeling on this is “Maybe we should be waiting for while the kids are at school, or at the grand’s, if we can’t keep it down during sex,” but also idk if that’s an actual ethical decision I’ve come to on my own, or if it’s just how I’ve been raised, and the society we live it.
Thank you for posing the question, though. It’s something to chew on
Thank you for your thoughtful comment!
I walked in on my uncle watching porn once when I was 5 or 6, and it wasn’t a traumatic experience. I only remember it because of how the adults around me reacted when I said something.
This reminded of the parenting advice that when children hurt themselves (e.g trip over) freaking out about it is training them to freak out at the pain more - the calmer you are about it, the less tears are shed.
Basically this is the same way I feel about nudity - you don’t freak out and yell at your kid for accidentally seeing you naked, you instead explain that people appreciate privacy regarding their body, so one should look away when someone is undressed. I presume this is what you mean by 'the way we treat nudity and sex isn’t great.’
Ethics aside, there could be legal ramifications
Yes, I actually found out recently that there’s a crime called corrupting a minor, which usually means showing them porn or sex acts. I think it would only apply to overheard-sex if the child made the parents aware, asked them to avoid the activity, and yet it continued. I, not being bothered by it, simply never bought it up (pretty sure I was a teenager when i first overheard.)
I presume this is what you mean by ‘the way we treat nudity and sex isn’t great.’
That’s part of it, but for the sex portion we do put sex on a pedestal, from both directions. It’s not a hill I’m willing to die on yet, but the gist of the opinion is that people tend to either demonize sex as this inherently corrupting force, or sanctify it into this uniquely sacred thing. Reality’s a lot more messy, and I think both positions are wrong
I personally would be at least cognizant of that. Same rules apply for parents with kids in the house as it does for people everywhere: DO NOT involve unwilling participants in your sexual activities.
The fact they don’t see anything wrong with this is somewhat disturbing. At the very least, you’d think they would make a minimum effort to mask it from their children.
The fact they don’t see anything wrong with this is somewhat disturbing. (…) you’d think they would make a minimum effort to mask it from their children.
They would do it at night, I’m guessing they had no idea how audible it was on the various audible occasions. So I’d say they made effort to mask it - they’re certainly not exhbitionists. Other instances I’ve read about seem far worse.
If it’s intentional I would lean towards it being wrong, yes. If you know your kids can hear you having sex, then to my mind that would suggest you’re getting some kind of pleasure out it which is very weird IMO.
