Asking for a friend. No seriously, I’m trying to figure out how to best explain this to a friend as I’m having trouble enumerating how I can do it.
By realizing how unhappy you are when you’re not by yourself.
Most of my life I was really unhappy and it was always because of forced socialization with people I didn’t like and who didn’t like me. My first job out of college when I no longer had to socialize with people… all the sudden all my depression and negative feelings disappeared. Being alone and only interacting with people when/where I wanted… was super liberating.
And it’s only gotten better with time. I do get along with people… but not very many because the people I like generally leave me alone and leave others alone. It’s people’s incessant need to make other people conform to their expectations that drives me insane. I grew up in a family/town that loved conformity and hated anything/anyone different. College was better, but still a lot of conformity pushers, but grad school and my career are great because the people there were not preoccupied in judging other people for being different than them and actually valued it. I’m finally at the point in my life where I will never have a friend or a partner who ever again who tries to force me to like what they like or behave the way they want me to behave.
And when I think about my friends that have lasted… that is the common thread. They never asked anything from me, they just take me as I am and I take them as they are and we like that about each other.
Cats. Cats and some hobbies that i can do alone(gardening, cycling, baking). And cats.
Did i mentioned cats? And cats.
my cat died last week.
Have you leash trained your cats so they can garden with you? I’ve been trying but man is it a pain
my cat did. he used to dig up the soil and he would lay in the garden to defend it from rabbits. he was an amazing garden cat.
he even caught a couple and he ate one of them.
“Our bread chokes you, and raw coney chokes me.” - Samwise Gamgee talking to your cat
My garden is all fenced up(as with all housing here in Malaysia) so i don’t have to worry about leash, just have to worry about the hole and tunnel they will dig through.
I’m not qualified, but something that might aid in your efforts is focusing on the flaws inherent in getting fulfillment from other people and the cycle of misery it can bring when it doesn’t pan out exactly as you intended. See: codependency. Obviously don’t phrase this like you won’t be there for them, but more just that they need to be there for themself too.
amen. seeking fulfillment in others is the surefire way to be miserable. the most miserable people I have known were the ones who entirely derived their worth from others approval, and often it was so bad they had no internal validation mechanisms and often very poor internal regulation and they were seeking someone external to do their regulation for them.
Quality self-care takes effort. Junk food, TV and masturbation are bad self care. Meditation, yoga, cleaning your space, study for career or philosophy are good self care.
Call me crazy but I’d argue that masturbation and sex-positivity is actually pretty damn important to learning how to be happy alone.
Being single doesn’t me an being a monk or depriving yourself of nice things.
Take yourself and friends out to dinner and movies, buy yourself and your family nice gifts, and yes, learn how to sexually satisfy yourself too without shame and negativity.
The idea that you can’t enjoy your sexuality without a partner is kind of depressing. Sex-positivity is empowering.
I agree. That was an early morning insomnia comment. Junk food, tv and masturbation are all fine in moderation but they can easily become a problem for people who are stuck in a mental hole.
doesn’t have to be masturbation. plenty of people are addicted to sex with strangers or other types of coping mechanisms.
sex is problematic because it’s it’s seeking a short term high. like drugs, gambling, junk food etc. all of these mess with your brain and create lead to mal-adaptive brain chemistry. being high/chasing high isn’t what happiness is.
Not only is masturbation fine, it’s actually healthy. I think the problem here is pornography addiction – scrambles the brain and can lead to needing more and more graphic stimulation. I’m not blaming the actors, and im not saying it is all bad (in fact, I’m pro porn). Im just saying, like junk food and tv, pornography needs to be enjoyed in moderation. Meanwhile, masturbation is healthy in and of itself – whack or rub to your heart’s content.
Just wanna add that you can start with one of those. Doesnt have to be all at once. Cooking really is great tho and cheaper too.
Junk food, TV and masturbation all at once sounds like a challenge.
The evil maxxing version :D
I’ll take a stab at this. Being happy by yourself is about finding contentment and satisfaction with your life that doesn’t depend on external validation or reinforcement.
The first step is always going to be finding things you like and that motivate you. You have to take care to check in with yourself and decide whether the things you are doing are motivated by habit, by social desire, or by your own desire. The things you are looking for are the ones that fall in the last category. You’ll have to be honest with yourself to figure those things out.
Second step is going to be constructing goals from some of those desires. Not everything you like will be worth making goals from, but think about how you can make those things better and more fulfilling for you. Do you want to get better at whatever it is, as a skill? Do you want to share the product of crafts with others? Do you want to make it easier and more accessible for yourself?Figure out if any if these desires or activities can evolve to be more.
Third is making changes in your lifestyle to match. Reorient your life to your motivations. Figure out how to balance working towards your goals and indulging your whims. This is where the happiness and contentment on your own should be. If you are doing things you love regularly, and working towards goals that you want to achieve, that should bring a sense of fulfillment and contentment that doesn’t rely on other people to support it.
This is a great take. It’s sad that most ‘self help’ is not this clear or articulate… mostly because it’s snake oil that’s about feelings and not about pragmatic choices.
Unhappy people never make pragmatic choices… they are always chasing these abstract nonsense concepts that they will never attain, because they are not attainable. Wanting to be good at something is very different and vague, but setting a reasonable goal of wanting to achieve something in a set time is is a way to build a rewarding and self-validating life. Especially if it’s set against yourself. “I want to be 1m faster in my 5K run” is clear and attainable goal, but saying “I want to win every 5K I enter this year” is one that is going to lead to failure.
And most people setup their goals very much like the latter. Every miserable person I meet is just… often very angry they aren’t leading a lifestyle of fame and wealth, and rather than making smart choices to enhance their improve es year by year, they just go on debt binges or other self-destructive choices that move their further away from their desires. And often those desire aren’t even really their own… they are just stuff they are convinced they want because other people want it and they need to want it too otherwise people won’t like them…
For me, it’s just such a rare treat to have time to myself, so I like it. If you mean without a partner or family, I dunno either, I did enjoy being alone in that way too. I guess I think if you aren’t happy with yourself, you aren’t going to fix that by being with someone else.
If it’s literal loneliness, I would say make sure to build habits that involve others. Go to yoga class, don’t do it at home. Go get coffee every morning at the same local place. Walk your dog, sit on your front step. Get a job that isn’t done at home. Be in the world, don’t isolate yourself.
Once I really really understood that there’s not a way it’s “supposed to be”, everything got a lot easier.
yeah. i run into this so much. i meet so many people who are so angry with me because my/their life is not what they think it should be. it’s so fucking weird to me that people think that way.
like I’ve had people scream at me for not owning a BMW. I have never ever wanted one ever in my life… and if you tell them that they get ANGRIER.
I try to be happy with whatever happens and do not happen. Not just by being by myself. That’s the secret. At least, that’s mine.
I’ve happily been sharing my life with my spouse for 25 years and counting, I have a lifelong best friend (like a real best friend, since we were 14, now nearing our 60s) and I do enjoy meeting interesting people (provided they’re not the kind to be constantly sweating hate and anger toward the rest of the world) but, at the exact same time, I love being alone by myself. Meaning I never feel bored or lonely (there are too many things I want to do, and not enough time to do them). I also don’t feel any need to always be in the company of people: I enjoy time for myself. But when I’m not alone I will do my best to enjoy the company, at least at small doses ;)
Meditation.
I just spend a little time around other people. That usually does the trick.
What does it mean “to be happy”?
For most people happiness is illusory and transient.
Usually, satisfaction and fulfillment is a better way to describe what you want.
Most people think it’s when your brain is flooding with dopamine or other ‘happy’ chemicals.
Wise people realize it’s the ability to self-regulate and cope well with life’s problems and lows, and appreciate it’s joys without being bitter over them not lasting forever.
That’s a super general question…
But in general it’s just understanding what makes people happy: dopamine. And then understanding how that specific person varies from average.
Like, it’s entirely possible they keep doing all things that would make most people happy, and they’re just wired differently so it’s not working.
So people can help someone learn to be happy. But you can’t really help someone learn how to help someone else.
But before you can do that you need to determine if you’re just trying to make them feel happy for an afternoon, or you’re going to try and help them change their behaviors so they feel happier on their own long term. Those are two very different things.
For the super general advice:
To feel happier, talk with them about what they’re doing that is helping their situation. Our brains are dumb and will dump dopamine for saying “I’ll do ____” almost as much as actually doing it.
But if you want to improve their lives so they’re naturally happier it’s the opposite. You want them to talk less about what they’re doing, and instead set very easily obtainable goals so their brain gets used to giving dopamine only for accomplishing things
It’s a short term/long term thing.
Like, are you trying to stop someone from going SAD in the next 24 hours, or is your friend just constantly a little bummed out the last year?
But in general it’s just understanding what makes people happy: dopamine. And then understanding how that specific person varies from average.
Like, it’s entirely possible they keep doing all things that would make most people happy, and they’re just wired differently so it’s not working.
This is where my answer would go to. I’d extend on what you said about dopamine though in two specific directions:
- Learn what drives you as an individual. Besides chemical inducements, what actions/accomplishments/behaviors give you a sense of satisfaction? For most there is some form of creative or active pursuit like artistic painting, dance, woodworking, moto racing, skydiving, sport, memorizing trivia, study of a field of science, organizing, home design, or any number of the endless activities that exist. Figure out what it is that you like doing, and do more of it.
- Cut back on the chemical inducements of dopamine. If you can get the 10x-100x the dopamine hit you need from just putting a chemical in your body, the tiny bit of natural dopamine you get from a non-chemical activity won’t even register with you. You’ll be desensitized to the natural dopamine you get from the things you like doing. The things you like doing that would normally give you dopamine won’t anymore that you’ll be able to detect. This means you stop doing the things you like. So the only way you can get any measurable amount of dopamine you detect is by the chemicals.
I don’t think you can learn that, but if you want to be happier and more “satisfied” with what you have, meditation and magnesium is a good start.
Accept things, then try to understand them.
I think the majority of people would not be happy for long, by themselves. Humans are pretty codependent by nature, for better or worse. Despite myself being a person who has discovered themselves to be much happier and healthier solo, I’ve come to the conclusion over the years that it’s pretty pointless to try to convince others of the merit.
